(9 dead on arrival) [27 Oct 2004|07:06am] im such a horrible person. i get mad and i say things i dont mean without thinking about how it will make someone else feel. im really sorry for what i said even though i thought u said something just as severe. no one deserves to be kicked where it hurts like i kicked you with what i said.

(6 dead on arrival) [26 Oct 2004|04:12pm] ignore that last entry if anyone read it. nothing in there applies anymore. i just wanted someone to read it and say what i was hoping he would say and he didn't so it's over it doesn't really matter though.

(1 dead on arrival) [10 Oct 2004|09:42am] So this week has been interesting. I don't remember what I did up until Thursday. Thursday we had band and started putting lyrics to Fire at Will since no one likes the ones we originally had. They Sucked. After we get lyrics we will have Fire At Will, Leelee Goes to Walmart, Echoes in the Violent Sun, Al's Song, and we are starting a new "lover I don't have to love" esque song which i fucking love. The band's coming together pretty well despite some things I have learned this week. Friday me and Stu went to the mall to exchange his girl jeans and talked to his mom for like an hour. Then we went to my house and to the Haunted Trail which was lame. We talked to Matt and Roger for awhile because they were bored and then we just watched tv and he asked me out which was cute. On Saturday I called in to work and me and amy drove to columbus for lack of anything better to do. I got new gages and I'm in love with this ritzy mall. Then we came home and ended up going to a haunted house with stu and matt. Matt calls me douche bag and is mean to me and stu and matt were acting insane. I kind of wanted to kill them. After the house we just hung out infront of my house. they were like doing karate and throwing newspaper and stuff. Stu like broke my nose, and my finger, and almost bit off another one of my fingers. He's psycho. Now i work all day at a job i hate :( and i have to write two essays and do calc and english homework....but at least i don't have to be at school until 8:40 tomorrow

(14 dead on arrival) Me. [25 Sep 2004|03:59pm] I know I've wrote something like this about 12908902 times but this time its different. I've changed a lot in the past month. If you ever wanted to know anything about me read this. leave a comment. ( this is me. Staci.this is who i am and what i love. this is the songs that mean everything to me. )

(2 dead on arrival) [20 Sep 2004|07:24pm] I really don't know how I feel about anything anymore. Espiecally about guys.

(7 dead on arrival) [19 Sep 2004|01:09am] A 40 year old man told me my gages make me look cute. oh yeah. I'm a pimp.

(1 dead on arrival) [18 Sep 2004|10:41am] So yesterday was a really good but really long day. Me Tab and Amy have late arrival so we decided to go to breakfast. Elyse skipped first period and we went to Tabitha's and did bad things. Then we went to school. It was my first time going to school not sober and I didn't really like it that much. At like 6 me and Tabitha went over to Seth's house so they could have a power hour. I left a little bit later and wento band practice because Brittany is in town. We could only practice for about an hour which sucked but my heart really wasn't in it anyways. Then afterwards we all went to Sam's house. It was me, Amy, Elyse, Brittany, Clint, Sam, and Tabitha. A litle bit later Clint called Stu and he came over. It was a realy fun night. There were no fights and just good times. I needed a night like that. I love my friends so much even tho it seems like sometimes Brittany and Elyse are together instead of just friends.

(1 dead on arrival) [14 Sep 2004|02:54pm] I got a new screen name- UrLadyofSorrows add me and IM me!

(4 dead on arrival) [07 Sep 2004|09:36am] Man. Absolutely nothing has been going on lately. I'm so bored with everything. My friends, my life, myself. everything. School starts tomorrow. I'm going to be a senior. Woo. My application for Capital is due September 17th. I can't wait for college. I can't seem to get excited about anything anymore, but at least I'm not depressed, I just want to find something with meaning again. Me and Stu are friends again. Or at least talking. I never hated him like I say I did, it just hurt to think that it never meant anything. I really want to have a strictly platonic guy friend. I tried to be friends with Adam and that didn't work out. I haven't talked to him in a while. I figure that I'll call him sometime in October and try to rekindle our friendship. I think I'm going to delete all my entries about him, just remove him from my life for a while. He really fucked with my head but thats all over now. I was trying to think of all the people I've ever fallen in love with. Here's what I came up with: Matt-The brother's best friend. I had a secret crush on him from kindergarten well through 8th grade. Then I moved and finally told him that I liked him. Needless to say nothing happened. I used to think I was in love with him. He was "perfect" to me but that was all a fantasy. He was the first of two boys that I thought were perfection and turned out far from it. I never loved him. Alex- The second fantasy boy. I went crazy for awhile over him. Then I got over it. I never loved him like I thought I did. Adam- He was my first boyfriend, my first kiss. He was never what I wanted. We went out for 3 months and then he graduated. We didn't talk for a year and then suddenly became friends again. We went out for a week and I fell in love with him. I almost went insane over him but I managed to stop myself. It wasn't love. It was first boyfriend syndrome, he's horrible for me. Stu-I never know what to think about Stu. He's the only boy I've ever held hands with. I lost my virginity to him and he was the first boy to ever love me. In the beginning I truly believe I loved him. Then that love vanished and it became lust. It was good lust, but it was still lust. Stu is the only boy I've ever loved. We fell in and out of love hard. It was a shame it had to end like it did.

(1 dead on arrival) [03 Sep 2004|03:41pm] I'm so bored with life right now. you have no idea. School starts wednesday. Brittany is coming in tonight. I'm glad we have been through some shit lately but I think everything will be okay. Full band practice tomorrow. I'm excited. We're going to cover Decade.

( dead on arrival) [31 Aug 2004|12:00pm] last night after the baseball game was the worst time in my entire life. i have never been so goddamned close.....

(2 dead on arrival) [29 Aug 2004|03:45pm] I need myspace friends. Add me. http://profiles.myspace.com/users/6658857 and comment. because I don't have hardly any friends and only like 2 comments

(3 dead on arrival) [27 Aug 2004|08:05pm] my dad could push me to the ground and punch my lights out and my brother and mom would just watch. they wouldn't even care.

(6 dead on arrival) [27 Aug 2004|07:39pm] I am now drugfree. No drinking. No Robotripping. No acid. No ecstacy. No Vicks44. No Dramamine. No marijuana. No cocaine. No herion. No shrooms. Also I am no longer going to kiss ANYONE unless it means something. And the next time I have sex I'm going to be in mutual love. I'm not going to think about Adam. I'm going to start caring about things. No more apathy. I'm going to stop being so selfish. and actually try to listen to people when they talk. I will not make every conversation about me. I'm going to like the way I look by Christmas when I turn 18. I will lose at least 20 pounds.

(3 dead on arrival) [27 Aug 2004|06:42pm] ( I stole this from someone but I can't remember who. )

( dead on arrival) [26 Aug 2004|05:04pm] critique me. thats all anyone has done to me this week.

( dead on arrival) [24 Aug 2004|03:32pm] everything is going to hell. i want a boy who's so drunk he doesn't talk. I really need a job. I lose my car if I don't have one by Friday. I got an interview at Target but I would never pass a drug test which is why I am now drug free.

(1 dead on arrival) [20 Aug 2004|03:58pm] So I haven't updated in forever. Nothings really going on. Warped was Monday and it was lame. Ilove Letterkills and Fallout Boy tho. Been partying. Adam confuses me and man I love him. drive me insane. I kinda want school to start. Summer is boring me.

(6 dead on arrival) [14 Aug 2004|06:43pm] I got my hair done. ( How do you like it )

(2 dead on arrival) [13 Aug 2004|08:58pm] I wrote something almost exactly like this a few days ago but this is the final and complete version. if you don't care don't read it. I'm tired of everyone and everything. I drink too much and I have never meant it when I kiss someone. I love a boy with a weird shaped nose and a tongue ring that drives me insane. I'm everything he doesn't want and he's everything I do. I feel great when I don't eat. I am empty. I forget what I'm saying while I speak and I can't listen to other people's problems. I don't make sense and nothing I say has meaning. I'm obsessed with three bands and I talk about them constantly. I don't care about anyone but myself and nothing is funny unless I say it. I brag about nothing. I only listen to three songs on every CD I own and I only pray when I need something. I used to want to be beautiful and happy. I'm never good enough for myself and I would hate me if I was someone else. I say things I don't mean because I like when other people feel bad. I can relate to Simple Plan as lame as it is. I cry when I hear Konstantine and when I hear Summer Romance I think of him. I'd be bulimic if tornados and throw up weren't my biggest fears. I've never had meaningless and I cry when I'm drunk. I call random people when I drive by myself so I don't have to be alone with me. I want to be a character in a movie or the homeless guy down the street as long as I'm not me. I overuse adverbs and repeat everything I say. I'm in love with a stoner and it's not just first boyfriend syndrome. I believe in a twin connection and as much as I hate Joey I would die if he wasn't here. I stay up all night smoking, waiting for the inevitable to happen. I have to much faith in myself even when things are impossible. I have no willpower and succomb every time. I have an oral fixation and I like it when ugly boys want me. I hold hands with everyone but the one person who I want to touch. I want to see fireworks but I hate them. I call my ex boyfriends when I drink and ask if I ever mattered. I hate myself more than anyone could ever imagine. I think I was in love but it could have been lust. I lost my virginity on my basement couch with my parents upstairs and it wasn't even special. I'm vain and I look in every mirror I pass hoping that I'll like the way I look eventually. I have an obsession with perfection and I'm not shallow about anyone but myself. I love shopping but I never spend money. I love lyrics and spend hours trying to decipher songs. I always sleep in my contacts and I wake up hung over. I hate the way everything looks on me and my hair can never be right. I haven't felt real since Valentine's Day. I love my friends more than anything even though I get jealous. I mean less to everyone than they mean to me. I'm sarcastic and I laugh at things that aren't funny. I fucked his best friend to get closer to him. I used to want to be a writer until I realized I was horrible. I want to fall in love with an ideal rockstar and I relate everything to songs. I want a tattoo on my wrist that says nothing gold can stay. I picture other people when I'm kissing someone and I have a soundtrack of songs to have sex to. I love hot pink and I'm scared to be cliche. I feel completely empty and the only thing in my head is "It takes bite of her insides until she was just a hollow shell."

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